I don't understand why I am the way I am

Two days. I've done well eating for two days. At times it has been hard work. Mentally, I mean. I drove an hour north last night to pick up my son and his friend from snowboarding, and all the junk food in the gas stations and drug stores was calling my name as I drove along. I made phone calls to stop that madness.

I got home, and someone had e-mailed me a "bootleg" copy of one of the 3-Day commercials I'm in. I watched it and instead of being very happy about it, I went downstairs and ate cheese and crackers. During the commercial, I'm seen hugging another woman, and it's very brief.

I figured that's all they used because I'm so fat and ugly. So I went downstairs and ate. Then I told Jim what I did, and we got into an hour long discussion of my feelings. He pointed out that this is just one commercial and maybe I'm in more of another one.

I told him a couple of stories of growing up, like what Lori DeQuaker and her friends did to me at her 5th or 6th grade birthday party, and how I always got excited when my mom came for playground duty because I'd have someone to talk to during recess. He said he was sorry that my life was so crappy.

Crappy until I married him, I said. Then we laughed and said now we just have spotty crappiness.

I told him that I had made the mistake of asking Russell, during the commercial shooting, if everyone they wanted had been able to make it, and Russell told me that there was a married couple who had a conflict after all. I immediately thought well, that's why he called me so late in the day - to substitute for one of those people. Jim said maybe they originally wanted 20 people, and ended up with 18. That had simply never occurred to me before. Truly. never thought of it.

Well, I have to go coach basketball. I'll try and write more later today. I never got on the computer yesterday until about 8:30 p.m. last night, and then I couldn't get Jim to leave the room so I could write.