What am I hungry for? I've made a list of why I'm angry. Or what I'm angry about. If I keep eating my emotions, what is it that I'm not getting? What is it that I'm searching for? What am I hungry for?
I'm hungry for my books to be published
I'm hungry to be thinner
I'm hungry to be loved for who I am by my parents
I'm hungry for justice in my life
I'm hungry for happiness and peace in my soul
I'm hungry for a fatter checkbook
I was happier in the last two weeks, working, writing, editing, re-writing, than I've been in quite a while. Since last spring, when I wrote out the first draft. I just wish we had more money. I wish we weren't still living hand-to-mouth.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Why Am I Angry?
I caught a snippet of an Oprah show earlier this week. There were very overweight teenagers on, and some psychologists were doing an "intervention" with them. They were trying to get the kids to focus on why they're angry and eat so much. I thought I'd try it here.
I am angry that:
my husband doesn't make more money
my mother always sides with my sister Katy
I don't get along with my in-laws
my husband won't go find a job that gives him more money
my husband puts up with the bullshit that they keep shoveling him at work
I have let myself get so fat
I eat when I'm not hungry
I may have taught my children bad eating habits
I taught Maggi to be so sarcastic
I wasted so much of my life on stupid jobs when I should have been writing
I have to go to Jim's stupid work party tonight
that asshole principal bastard priest fired me from Carmel without telling me why
my son has to go to school there
I don't have money to go out to lunch with friends
I have about $85 to last me 8 days, and that includes gas and groceries
I don't feel the great release the kids did. I'll try it again another time.
I am angry that:
my husband doesn't make more money
my mother always sides with my sister Katy
I don't get along with my in-laws
my husband won't go find a job that gives him more money
my husband puts up with the bullshit that they keep shoveling him at work
I have let myself get so fat
I eat when I'm not hungry
I may have taught my children bad eating habits
I taught Maggi to be so sarcastic
I wasted so much of my life on stupid jobs when I should have been writing
I have to go to Jim's stupid work party tonight
that asshole principal bastard priest fired me from Carmel without telling me why
my son has to go to school there
I don't have money to go out to lunch with friends
I have about $85 to last me 8 days, and that includes gas and groceries
I don't feel the great release the kids did. I'll try it again another time.
Catching Up
I finished my book in the last two weeks, so I haven't blogged. I am so happy to have that project finished. Paulette is reading it now, and I'm hoping to sit down with her over the weekend. I know like I know like I know that it will be published. I'm about six pages into my next book, but I don't want to get so engrossed in it yet. I need to get the first one ready for printing.
My mother-in-law called Jim "in tears" because we hate them. Well, duh! Another one of her passive-aggressive bullshit techniques. Jenny told them what I told her and Lisa while we were up in the Dells. Like I knew she would. (I told Jen and Lisa about what our father-in-law said about our children and that I'm "delusional" if I don't think our children are out partying every weekend. My father-in-law denied saying any of it. What a jackass bastard!
I have to go out dinner with them tomorrow night for Jim's birthday. I just really wouldn't give a rat's ass if I never saw any of them again.
My mother-in-law called Jim "in tears" because we hate them. Well, duh! Another one of her passive-aggressive bullshit techniques. Jenny told them what I told her and Lisa while we were up in the Dells. Like I knew she would. (I told Jen and Lisa about what our father-in-law said about our children and that I'm "delusional" if I don't think our children are out partying every weekend. My father-in-law denied saying any of it. What a jackass bastard!
I have to go out dinner with them tomorrow night for Jim's birthday. I just really wouldn't give a rat's ass if I never saw any of them again.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Two Things
I need to talk about two things today.
One: I ate junk food yesterday and woke up with a bad stomach-ache this morning. Yuck! I felt very nauseous. I need to remember that feeling so that the next time I'm tempted to eat junk food I will stop myself. Why did I eat it in the first place? Because I got on the scale yesterday morning and I've gained 3 pounds in one week. WTF??? so I made my yearly doctor's appointment visit for the end of this month instead of the end of March, when I usually go. There has simply got to be something wrong with my thyroid.
Two: the weekend from hell is over. I survived. I talked with Edyth before I went and she gave me good advice about making my own fun. It worked. The only thing my father-in-law said to me was 'goodbye.' The only time my mother-in-law spoke directly to me was when I was loading the dishwasher Sunday morning, and she wanted to take some of the dirty plates to the other room to put in the dishwasher. I told her 'no thanks'. whatever. I was the only person who tried to clean Sunday morning. My jackass father-in-law even placed his plate on the counter above the dishwasher AS I WAS LOADING IT. As if I were the maid or something.
Jim and I talked last night about his family. I told him that I think my relationship with his parents is based on mis-communication. I feel as if his family thinks I'm a big bitch, and that I'm keeping him from visiting them. He said they probably do. He asked if his parents talked to me last weekend. I told him what I've already written here. He said he was sorry. I said 'Whatever! Anything I say or do is not going to change their opinion of me.' He agreed, saying especially his father. I told him I was very crushed to hear his father's opinion of our kids. (That I'm delusional if I think our kids aren't out partying and having sex all weekend). I reminded him that I don't talk and offer my opinion around them because I'm always wrong. I told Jim I realize that behavior probably comes off as being snobby, but I just can't take the criticism. He said he knows why I don't talk around them. I also told him I know his parents are not mean and vindictive, they just don't understand or pay attention to how what they say comes across to people. For example, the first time Maggi wore makeup around his mother, she told Maggi to wash her face off because she looked like a clown. I'm sure she didn't mean that exactly, but Maggi (at age 11 or 12) didn't have the life experiences to say to herself "that's not what my grandmother meant."
What I didn't tell him is that I wouldn't give a crap if I never saw them again. But I think he's beginning to understand that.
One: I ate junk food yesterday and woke up with a bad stomach-ache this morning. Yuck! I felt very nauseous. I need to remember that feeling so that the next time I'm tempted to eat junk food I will stop myself. Why did I eat it in the first place? Because I got on the scale yesterday morning and I've gained 3 pounds in one week. WTF??? so I made my yearly doctor's appointment visit for the end of this month instead of the end of March, when I usually go. There has simply got to be something wrong with my thyroid.
Two: the weekend from hell is over. I survived. I talked with Edyth before I went and she gave me good advice about making my own fun. It worked. The only thing my father-in-law said to me was 'goodbye.' The only time my mother-in-law spoke directly to me was when I was loading the dishwasher Sunday morning, and she wanted to take some of the dirty plates to the other room to put in the dishwasher. I told her 'no thanks'. whatever. I was the only person who tried to clean Sunday morning. My jackass father-in-law even placed his plate on the counter above the dishwasher AS I WAS LOADING IT. As if I were the maid or something.
Jim and I talked last night about his family. I told him that I think my relationship with his parents is based on mis-communication. I feel as if his family thinks I'm a big bitch, and that I'm keeping him from visiting them. He said they probably do. He asked if his parents talked to me last weekend. I told him what I've already written here. He said he was sorry. I said 'Whatever! Anything I say or do is not going to change their opinion of me.' He agreed, saying especially his father. I told him I was very crushed to hear his father's opinion of our kids. (That I'm delusional if I think our kids aren't out partying and having sex all weekend). I reminded him that I don't talk and offer my opinion around them because I'm always wrong. I told Jim I realize that behavior probably comes off as being snobby, but I just can't take the criticism. He said he knows why I don't talk around them. I also told him I know his parents are not mean and vindictive, they just don't understand or pay attention to how what they say comes across to people. For example, the first time Maggi wore makeup around his mother, she told Maggi to wash her face off because she looked like a clown. I'm sure she didn't mean that exactly, but Maggi (at age 11 or 12) didn't have the life experiences to say to herself "that's not what my grandmother meant."
What I didn't tell him is that I wouldn't give a crap if I never saw them again. But I think he's beginning to understand that.
Friday, January 9, 2009
rants about the in-laws
This has been a good week. I didn't journal as much as I should have, and last night I ate an order of fried mushrooms for dinner, but other than that, it's been a good week.
I've been to the gym for 8 days in a row. I'm going again today, as soon as I finish this.
Later today we are driving to the Dells. I do not want to participate in any part of this. I predict that it will be a weekend of taunts and idiocy. I'm glad I thought to put the spare key for the car in my coat pocket, and I have directions to a movie theater. I think I'm going to have to escape for a while.
Jim's dad hasn't even talked to me since the end of October. That's when he told me that I am delusional if I don't think my kids are out partying every weekend. I told him that I didn't appreciate his attitude about his grandchildren. Then he replied, in a very snotty tone, oh, that's right - your children are perfect. What an asshole. I wish he would just disappear into a hole.
Jim's mom taunts me whenever he's not around. The only reason I'm going is for Jim. Maggi is staying home because she has to work tomorrow night. I can hardly wait to see the look on that asshole's face when he finds out that we let her stay home by herself.
And he isn't even allergic to lemons like he says. He has eaten my mom's greek lamb with garlic and lemons three or four times and has never said a word about getting sick. It's all in his stupid fucking head. And her stupid ass allergy to cats is the most ridiculous thing in the world. She's not allergic, she just doesn't want to come here. She goes over to Bill and Jen's plenty of times, and isn't 'allergic' to their cat. What a bitch.
My friend Kathy said that I should call her on whatever she says to me. Like the time she marched up to me at Don's funeral. We hadn't seen each other in four months, and in the meantime, my hair had grown back in from chemotherapy. She marched up to me, as if she had practiced this, and said, Oh look at you. You're gray. What a fucking bitch!
I am so so so tired of their passive aggressive bullshit. I'm not putting up with any of it this weekend. I'm going to tell them off if I feel the need. They can rot in their puke for all I care.
I just do not want to go do this weekend. I'm going to just take my time with everything -- Jim certainly didn't get up today early and jump into the cleaning and packing that needs to get done in order to go. I'm certainly not going to rush. I wouldn't give a crap if we never saw those people again.
well, I said at the beginning of this blog that this would be the place to let it all hang out. I did that today.
I've been to the gym for 8 days in a row. I'm going again today, as soon as I finish this.
Later today we are driving to the Dells. I do not want to participate in any part of this. I predict that it will be a weekend of taunts and idiocy. I'm glad I thought to put the spare key for the car in my coat pocket, and I have directions to a movie theater. I think I'm going to have to escape for a while.
Jim's dad hasn't even talked to me since the end of October. That's when he told me that I am delusional if I don't think my kids are out partying every weekend. I told him that I didn't appreciate his attitude about his grandchildren. Then he replied, in a very snotty tone, oh, that's right - your children are perfect. What an asshole. I wish he would just disappear into a hole.
Jim's mom taunts me whenever he's not around. The only reason I'm going is for Jim. Maggi is staying home because she has to work tomorrow night. I can hardly wait to see the look on that asshole's face when he finds out that we let her stay home by herself.
And he isn't even allergic to lemons like he says. He has eaten my mom's greek lamb with garlic and lemons three or four times and has never said a word about getting sick. It's all in his stupid fucking head. And her stupid ass allergy to cats is the most ridiculous thing in the world. She's not allergic, she just doesn't want to come here. She goes over to Bill and Jen's plenty of times, and isn't 'allergic' to their cat. What a bitch.
My friend Kathy said that I should call her on whatever she says to me. Like the time she marched up to me at Don's funeral. We hadn't seen each other in four months, and in the meantime, my hair had grown back in from chemotherapy. She marched up to me, as if she had practiced this, and said, Oh look at you. You're gray. What a fucking bitch!
I am so so so tired of their passive aggressive bullshit. I'm not putting up with any of it this weekend. I'm going to tell them off if I feel the need. They can rot in their puke for all I care.
I just do not want to go do this weekend. I'm going to just take my time with everything -- Jim certainly didn't get up today early and jump into the cleaning and packing that needs to get done in order to go. I'm certainly not going to rush. I wouldn't give a crap if we never saw those people again.
well, I said at the beginning of this blog that this would be the place to let it all hang out. I did that today.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Notes on a Sunday
Yesterday didn't work out well. I earned only 5 points. I ended up eating a very non-nutritious dinner at Katy's house. I had a pretzel with cheese (what was I thinking?!?!) at the Transiberian Orchestra Concert. Yuck. I feel yucky. I need to eat well today, that's for sure.
I'm going to change my eating plan to have 4 fruits and 3 breads. Currently, I'm having 3 fruits and 4 breads. But I love fruit. I think this will help me feel better about what I'm eating. When I feel like having more bread or starches, I remind myself that these are the foods that got me looking the way I am, and then I find that I don't want them.
We are out of money again. Jim purchased my tomtom from the bank account and didn't tell me, so we are in real danger of bouncing a check. I'm thankful the cars are full of gas. He gets paid again on Friday, so I guess I won't go to the grocery store this week. I have to remember to ask Jim if he has the money from the shoes he returned or if it will show up in the bank account. I hope it will go to the bank. I also need to tell him not to use his debit card at all this week.
I'm still deciding whether I want to go to the gym and get on the elliptical machine or stay home and do a fitness ball DVD. My pilates class starts tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous. I've never done pilates in a class.
Tomorrow the kids go back to school, so I'm determined to get up and work out and work on my book.
The first week of my plan went okay. I can certainly work the plan better. But I didn't do too horribly, either. I have 41 points after a week; a week that included a major eating and drinking holiday. If I take out the two-day holiday, I averaged 7 points each day. I can live with that for the first week of the new me.
Overall, I'd say I'm pretty happy with my behavior this week, and I know next week will be better!
I'm going to change my eating plan to have 4 fruits and 3 breads. Currently, I'm having 3 fruits and 4 breads. But I love fruit. I think this will help me feel better about what I'm eating. When I feel like having more bread or starches, I remind myself that these are the foods that got me looking the way I am, and then I find that I don't want them.
We are out of money again. Jim purchased my tomtom from the bank account and didn't tell me, so we are in real danger of bouncing a check. I'm thankful the cars are full of gas. He gets paid again on Friday, so I guess I won't go to the grocery store this week. I have to remember to ask Jim if he has the money from the shoes he returned or if it will show up in the bank account. I hope it will go to the bank. I also need to tell him not to use his debit card at all this week.
I'm still deciding whether I want to go to the gym and get on the elliptical machine or stay home and do a fitness ball DVD. My pilates class starts tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous. I've never done pilates in a class.
Tomorrow the kids go back to school, so I'm determined to get up and work out and work on my book.
The first week of my plan went okay. I can certainly work the plan better. But I didn't do too horribly, either. I have 41 points after a week; a week that included a major eating and drinking holiday. If I take out the two-day holiday, I averaged 7 points each day. I can live with that for the first week of the new me.
Overall, I'd say I'm pretty happy with my behavior this week, and I know next week will be better!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Thoughts on a Plan
I got on the scale today, which was a stupid idea. It said I gained 1/4 of a pound. Well, I don't think I did that much damage on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day - really I don't. I had lost 1.4 pounds in the first three days of doing this eating plan, so it doesn't make sense to me.
Anyway, I'm up to 36 points. I'm going to go see the transiberian orchestra today, so I dont have time to edit and write. So I can get nine points today. If I get nine points tomorrow, I will have 54 on Monday morning. The kids are back to school on Monday, so I am back to work. If I have perfect days, it will take me until (counting - 66, 78, 90, 102) Thursday to reach 100!
This plan looks good on paper - let's see if I can really make it work.
Jane asked a question about Arizona last night, and my mom started right in with don't worry, you won't move, it won't happen, she (meaning me) won't do it. I was really mad. And I spoke up right away. She looked at me and knew I was upset. I told her I didn't think she had any right to talk to Jane like that. And she didn't even answer Jane's question, which was are there rattlesnakes in Arizona.
The great thing about it was that I stayed in control of my emotions, let it out, didn't feel like eating afterward, and let it go. Yeah for me!
Anyway, I'm up to 36 points. I'm going to go see the transiberian orchestra today, so I dont have time to edit and write. So I can get nine points today. If I get nine points tomorrow, I will have 54 on Monday morning. The kids are back to school on Monday, so I am back to work. If I have perfect days, it will take me until (counting - 66, 78, 90, 102) Thursday to reach 100!
This plan looks good on paper - let's see if I can really make it work.
Jane asked a question about Arizona last night, and my mom started right in with don't worry, you won't move, it won't happen, she (meaning me) won't do it. I was really mad. And I spoke up right away. She looked at me and knew I was upset. I told her I didn't think she had any right to talk to Jane like that. And she didn't even answer Jane's question, which was are there rattlesnakes in Arizona.
The great thing about it was that I stayed in control of my emotions, let it out, didn't feel like eating afterward, and let it go. Yeah for me!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Back on Track Today
New Year's Eve and Day have come and gone. I'm glad to get all that over with. I ate pretty well New Year's Eve. Yesterday, I just nibbled all day. When I felt myself getting full, I left the kitchen and went to do something else. I didn't track anything or write down anything. I had a healthy breakfast and drank a lot of water. I'm happy with what I did. I celebrated, but didn't go completely crazy eating everything in sight.
I poured some potato chips in a bowl last night to sit and watch the movie, and Jim asked me if I really needed them. I told him yes, I really wanted to eat them. It's the end of the holiday, and I'm back on track today.
I'm sure I undid some of the good I did for myself earlier this week. But it's the holidays, and I'm back on track today.
What do I wish for myself? To be a happy healthy weight by my birthday. I have to work on it every day, every meal.
Here's my program--
Everyday, I earn points for doing good things for myself.
I can earn a point for:
1. drink 3 quarts of water
2. eat a healthy breakfast
3. eat a healthy lunch
4. eat a healthy dinner
5. eat two healthy snacks
6. exercise 45+ minutes
7. no sweets, soda, or junk food
8. journal 30+ minutes
9. write/edit for 4+ hours
10. no eating after 7 p.m.
If I do all of these things, I get two bonus points. Mom is holding my Christmas money in $50 bills. When I get to $100 points, I earn $50. After 5 days, I'm at 28 points. But two of those days were the NYE celebrations. Before that, I had accumulated 22 points in three days. So I'm back on track today. I want to earn the first $50 on or before January 9. I believe I can do it.
I am back on track today.
I poured some potato chips in a bowl last night to sit and watch the movie, and Jim asked me if I really needed them. I told him yes, I really wanted to eat them. It's the end of the holiday, and I'm back on track today.
I'm sure I undid some of the good I did for myself earlier this week. But it's the holidays, and I'm back on track today.
What do I wish for myself? To be a happy healthy weight by my birthday. I have to work on it every day, every meal.
Here's my program--
Everyday, I earn points for doing good things for myself.
I can earn a point for:
1. drink 3 quarts of water
2. eat a healthy breakfast
3. eat a healthy lunch
4. eat a healthy dinner
5. eat two healthy snacks
6. exercise 45+ minutes
7. no sweets, soda, or junk food
8. journal 30+ minutes
9. write/edit for 4+ hours
10. no eating after 7 p.m.
If I do all of these things, I get two bonus points. Mom is holding my Christmas money in $50 bills. When I get to $100 points, I earn $50. After 5 days, I'm at 28 points. But two of those days were the NYE celebrations. Before that, I had accumulated 22 points in three days. So I'm back on track today. I want to earn the first $50 on or before January 9. I believe I can do it.
I am back on track today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
