I don't understand why I am the way I am

Two days. I've done well eating for two days. At times it has been hard work. Mentally, I mean. I drove an hour north last night to pick up my son and his friend from snowboarding, and all the junk food in the gas stations and drug stores was calling my name as I drove along. I made phone calls to stop that madness.

I got home, and someone had e-mailed me a "bootleg" copy of one of the 3-Day commercials I'm in. I watched it and instead of being very happy about it, I went downstairs and ate cheese and crackers. During the commercial, I'm seen hugging another woman, and it's very brief.

I figured that's all they used because I'm so fat and ugly. So I went downstairs and ate. Then I told Jim what I did, and we got into an hour long discussion of my feelings. He pointed out that this is just one commercial and maybe I'm in more of another one.

I told him a couple of stories of growing up, like what Lori DeQuaker and her friends did to me at her 5th or 6th grade birthday party, and how I always got excited when my mom came for playground duty because I'd have someone to talk to during recess. He said he was sorry that my life was so crappy.

Crappy until I married him, I said. Then we laughed and said now we just have spotty crappiness.

I told him that I had made the mistake of asking Russell, during the commercial shooting, if everyone they wanted had been able to make it, and Russell told me that there was a married couple who had a conflict after all. I immediately thought well, that's why he called me so late in the day - to substitute for one of those people. Jim said maybe they originally wanted 20 people, and ended up with 18. That had simply never occurred to me before. Truly. never thought of it.

Well, I have to go coach basketball. I'll try and write more later today. I never got on the computer yesterday until about 8:30 p.m. last night, and then I couldn't get Jim to leave the room so I could write.

This is the Place.

My head hurts. I have an ache in my back, and my right heel hurts when I walk. I have sleep apnea and I use a mask overnight to sleep. When I wake up, and for several hours afterward, I have marks on my cheeks from the mask straps. My husband won't hold me when I have the mask on my face. (But he will kiss my cheek in the morning before he goes to work).

I feel like crying because I apparently have to get through another day. I layed in bed for about 80 minutes because I didn't want to face another day. I finally got up, after telling myself that I can control what I eat for breakfast. I rarely have a problem with that. It's only when I decide to have pancakes or when Jim cooks that I have trouble.

So I got up and ate a cup of Kashi's Heart to Heart cereal with a banana and a little skim milk.

I learned to eat my emotions so long ago. About ten years ago I realized what I was doing. It took me another three or four to realize that it was in my control to do something about it. Then I got breast cancer and have been recovering for a little over four years.

This is the place where I'll let it all hang out. Where I'll spill my guts. Where I'll talk about everything that's bothering me, and everything I'm doing to help myself. Where I'll talk about my passive-aggressive in-laws, the jackass priest who fired me while I was recovering from breast cancer, my kids, my husband, my asshole brother whom our father thinks walks on water, my quasi-search for a job, my book writing, and whatever else comes up.

I hope that this is the place where I'll discover myself.